“Everything I ever wanted truly was just on the other side of the bottle I had clung to.”

One of the most beautiful things about social media is learning other people’s stories from people who have the courage to be vulnerable and share their pain, share their struggles, and share their victories. We recently posted our interview with photographer Darryl Miller Christensen, and through Darryl, I connected his wife Aspen, and became so enamored with her courage to share the story of her journey with alcohol.

I have many friends who struggle with alcohol but it’s become normalized somehow and their addiction has become just part of who they are. On the other hand, I have friends who have made a decision to recognize their problems with alcohol and have chosen a life of sobriety. It inspires me to learn their stories!

I truly believe that our brokenness is our message that can heal others. Thank you so much Aspen for sharing you, for sharing your story, and for being so real! Your beauty shines bright!

Where were you born and what was your childhood like? 

I am a proud Denver native! Ironically, I was born at St. Joseph’s Hospital, a mere ten minutes from my current residence. While I have moved around the state throughout my life, I can’t seem to stay away from Denver. I love this city so much. It has (almost) everything I could ever want in a home. Our neighborhood (Hale) is so gorgeous. I love the houses, and the people. We are two minutes from Trader Joes,  ten minutes from downtown, and an hour from the mountains. The only thing missing is the proximity to the beach!

 My childhood was beautiful in its own way. My parents divorced when I was a baby, but my mama (Sunny) worked tirelessly to provide a stable and loving home for my sister and I. There was nothing we went without. We may have been short on money, but we had so much love. We had bellies full of delicious homemade food made from scratch. We had a warm place to sleep, and matching hand-sewn outfits. We had a mama who encouraged kindness, strength, and curiosity. I love that we experienced a childhood where use of imagination and rigorous play was a must. We spent so many hours outside, uninterrupted by cell phones, or gaming systems. We had each other, and that was enough. I am endlessly grateful that we grew up before the world of social media. We were allowed to make mistakes, and be awkward, and have deep, uninterrupted connections with our friends and family. I have so many vivid memories. Our currency was laughter and good food. I’d say that’s still the case. Sunny eventually remarried and we were legally adopted by the man we now refer to as simply “dad”. Together, they had two children to round out our family. We are all so close, and I love that we have a big family to celebrate life’s milestones with. The older I get the more I realize what an immense gift I was given to have a mom like Sunny. She is the brightest light. She’s known so much pain. Pain that would break most people, but you’d never know it just from meeting her. She’s kind, giving, and selfless. It’s all I can do to stand in her sunlight and hope that I soak up enough of that to be anything like her. 

Tell us about your passions in high school and college. 

I really struggled with finding a sense of self in high school and college. I imagine that is pretty standard for most folks during that time. I was a competitive gymnast throughout high school. I loved the physical and mental challenge that gymnastics provided. I loved belonging to a team. When high school ended, my 12-year gymnastics career ended with it. It was confusing and disorienting. I spent years trying to fill the void of that huge part of my life. I think part of me will always be searching for something to replace that sense of belonging. I struggled academically in high school. I know now that it was largely because of the setting. I went to high school in a really small town with a major diversity problem (in that there was none). Outside of gymnastics I struggled to find my place, and my people. I loved rock music, and all the things that are a mother’s worst nightmare! I started college at Metro State in Denver, and I flourished academically. I never knew that learning experiences could be so dynamic and diverse. I loved Auraria campus, and the thrill of being in the city for the first time in my life. I started taking intro-level Psychology classes, and it was instant love. True to form, I had to make 100% sure that Psychology and Counseling were my true path, so I bounced around four different majors, ultimately graduating with a BA in Sport Psychology. At Metro I also took creative writing and journalism courses that I got so much out of. Writing continues to be a huge passion of mine, and something I hope to do more of in 2021!

What do you do for a career right now?

Right now I work in Healthcare Administration. After I graduated with my BA, I struggled to find a career path that made sense. I ultimately stumbled into a job in healthcare administration and during those awkward post-college years began to panic that I wasn’t quite on the right path. I wasn’t sure I was in the right career, but wanted desperately to make it fit, and to feel like I had done everything I could to make it work, so I pushed myself into completing my Masters in Healthcare Administration. My MHA got me the role I am in today, which I am deeply grateful for. Healthcare administration isn’t always glamorous or “sexy”, but it has provided me a soft landing and a safe space to grow my roots while I continue to work towards my passions. I spent a lot of time being angry at myself for forcing myself down a career path that I knew deep down wasn’t quite right. I spent a lot of time wanting a title that would make me feel worthy and respected. 2020 brought so much perspective. My career has provided me with safety, and the flexibility to pivot. I now know that I absolutely needed to go through that uncomfortable time in my life to get to where I am now. In September of 2020 I  began a graduate program at CU Denver for Clinical Mental Health Counseling. It is my life dream to be a licensed professional counselor working with a diverse range of people who just like me might be struggling to find their place in the world. I have a lot of coursework, and approximately 3 billion supervised hours to get through to become licensed (I kid, it’s only two billion!), but I am embracing the challenge. It finally feels like the right kind of challenge. I love school, and this program is everything. The diversity, and the commitment to social justice, and a kinder, more empathic world is so inspiring. For the first time in such a long time I feel 100% at peace with the timing of my life. 

How do you find purpose in the day to day? 

I often think about how much time I spent trying so hard to fit into places and spaces I just didn’t fit. I was so hard on myself and so mean to myself for such a long time. I think we all go through that to an extent, but I see it so prevalent in the womxn around me. Womxn are sent so many difficult and harsh messages from infancy. From birth, we are shown millions of messages that we have to look a certain way to be worthy of love and acceptance. Be skinny, but not too skinny. Be smart, but not too opinionated. Wear makeup, but not too much makeup. Don’t be frumpy, but don’t be sexy, you will send the wrong message. Be kind, be polite, smile, say thank you, make everyone else feel comfortable. Be career-driven, but also keep a neat home. Be strong, but not sharp. Raise children, but don’t let yourself go… etc., etc. We are held to impossible standards, and it becomes impossible not to internalize those messages. I think social media can be such a beautiful thing when used correctly, but I also think there is a dark side to it that can propagate these messages. So, that was a long-winded way of saying that what keeps me going is the reparations that I am making to my past and future self, and to all the people that I hope to encounter as a future counselor. Storytelling is so important. It took me almost 29 years to be able to feel like I was writing my authentic story. I am driven by the idea that I will someday get the immense privilege of helping someone else tell their authentic story. There is so much work to be done, but I have so much hope. I feel that as a society we are on the precipice of a new chapter. One of empowerment, kindness, and authentic people standing in their raw power, unapologetic, and unflinching. 

What is your morning routine? 

Oh gee, my husband Darryl can testify that mornings are not my best friend. I have always been such a night owl, even as a child. Having a 9-5 has been a decade-long struggle for me! In early 2020 I was on a mission to establish a morning routine that served me better than the one I painfully stumbled through each morning prior to that. It looked something like this: Set alarm for 6:00am… hit snooze seven times, until it is past 7:00am. Darryl comes in and tells me what time it is. I panic, and literally run from my bed, thrashing into my day, leaving the house hungry, and without any food, late, and irritable. A truly horrific way to start the day. For several months I was able to establish a glorious new routine where I actually got up at 6:00am, and started my day with a warm cup of lemon water (then coffee of course). I would use the Calm app to meditate for 10 minutes, and then do another 10-20 minutes of stretching or yoga. I would make a giant green smoothie, and sip it slowly as I got ready while listening to my favorite podcast. I’d pack snacks and a healthy lunch, and leave for work with time to spare. Then COVID-19 happened… For the first time in my life I was able to work from home. This is something I am endlessly grateful for. Working from home is ideal for an introvert like me. That said, my morning routine has once again reverted back to something much less ideal. This is another huge goal I have for myself in 2021. Giving yourself time to ease into your day is truly life-changing. Darryl is so disciplined and is generally great at being an early riser. I aspire to one day find ease in slipping gently out of bed at the first sound of my alarm. Until then, I am working hard at it!

Tell us about your journey with alcohol and what was it that ultimately inspired sobriety? 

Interestingly enough, I didn’t start drinking with any regularity until I was about 23. In high school when most people start to dabble in substances and drinking, I was so involved in gymnastics that it really didn’t interest me. In college I spent a lot of years training for fitness competitions, and again, really have much time for or interest in drinking. After college I went through my first big breakup. That coupled with the challenge of figuring out life after college (see my earlier career struggles), I began to drink wine as a way to unwind from long days at my first job. Navigating life post-college, post-long-term relationship was the first time I really felt lost. Wine helped… Or at least I thought it did. I wouldn’t say that this habit had developed into a real problem for a few years. I stumbled through a few more bad relationships, and bad jobs, and continued to use drinking as a way to cope with those struggles. In 2015 I was in a difficult place mentally. I was working in a job that I was pouring my all into, in what was a very toxic environment. At work I felt so powerless. I was looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. I moved from the suburbs to Denver, and had very few friends. I allowed myself to become so small, and became so self-deprecating. It’s so sad to think about how much of myself I was giving to the wrong people in all aspects of my life, and how unforgiving I was to myself during that time. Alone in my tiny 500-square ft. apartment in Capitol Hill, I turned to the comfort of alcohol. The habit was a well-kept secret that inhabited my life slowly at first, then all at once. 

In late 2015 things started looking up. I met my now-husband, who brought so much joy into my life. Together, we ate, drank, and were merry! I started my MHA, and we eventually moved in together. Things stayed relatively stable for a time. In 2016 I continued to struggle with self-worth and was embroiled in conflict due to the election. I was in deep mourning for our country and confused and broken over the state of our nation. In 2017 I started a new job where I was so much more valued, but still, I struggled with imposter syndrome. Despite my newly acquired Masters degree, I compared myself to everyone around me. I never felt like I had a good handle on things, or that I measured up to my colleagues.

 In early 2017 my estranged biological father passed away from complications related to liver cirrhosis. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in over 15 years, but I always held onto this optimistic idea that one day we’d reconcile, and our reunion would be something out of a Lifetime movie. As a child, I loved my father deeply. I was too young to understand the abuse and pain he inflicted on my mother. His death was unexpected and confusing. We didn’t know how to mourn someone we didn’t really know. Someone we once loved, that chose a life without us in it. I have come to make some peace with this part of my life, knowing that my dad had his demons. Knowing that he struggled with alcohol for so long, I know his life was lonely and full of his own pain. Knowing my father had died as a result of his alcohol use ironically didn’t slow my own drinking. My drinking seemed to take a turn from there.

 From the outside things were going so well. Darryl and I got engaged in April of 2017, and I was settling into my new role at work. We had an amazing apartment and a loving and respectful relationship. But I was in another relationship… a deeply complicated one with alcohol. I spent endless hours trying to convince myself that I didn’t have a problem, I took online inventories, and would challenge myself to not drink on weekdays, or only drink one or two glasses. I was always moving the needle and setting new definitions of what was acceptable. Deep down I knew I was in dangerous territory. I was hiding much of my drinking from everyone around me. I’d have a glass or two of wine at night with Darryl, only to continue on alone late into the night. I’d wake up at 3am so sick, crying at my frustration with myself. This vicious cycle continued for a while. 

In late 2019 I decided to start therapy. This truly changed my life. In the end, it wasn’t anything that my therapist said or did, it was just having a safe space to share my innermost thoughts that made a world of difference. My therapist didn’t judge and didn’t try to “fix” me. She just listened as I spoke about all the ways that I had let myself down. Slowly, I began to speak with more clarity. I worked through the self-worth issues I had long faced at work. I heard myself speak the words that I’d needed to hear for so long out loud. “I am worthy. I am strong. My feelings are valid. I am sorry. I didn’t deserve to feel that way”. I continued to drink for several months, while parts of me began to soften, and doors began to open. Things began to shift, I saw so much hope. I was changing, something inside me was buzzing with life.

I had known for a long time that I’d one day have to put down the bottle that I’d clung to for safety for some time. Alcohol allowed me to hit pause, and push down feelings that felt too hard, or too painful. I knew that quitting meant having to face all of that for the first time, unmedicated. With this newfound growth, the part of me that drank to the point of numbness felt foreign. I could no longer make that part of my life fit. I knew that this metamorphosis could not continue in tandem with my drinking.

On a snowy December night, I think subconsciously I knew it was time– I drank, and I drank and I drank. It was 2am, and my husband was sleeping. I was in the living room looking out at the snow falling onto the quiet street. I was terrified but overcome with the sensation that everything I had ever wanted was just on the other side of this last wine bottle. It was December 21, 2019. That was the last time I drank myself into a bottomless, faceless, joyless oblivion.

 I am now just over a year sober. I was right. Everything I ever wanted truly was just on the other side of the bottle I had clung to. Sobriety has given me a life so full of color and joy, sometimes I don’t know what to do with it! I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t rocky at first. Early sobriety brought endless tears, and many existential crises. But just as the winter slipped into the spring, life got sunnier and infinitely more beautiful. 

What are some of the biggest lessons you’ve learned along this journey? 

I continue to learn lessons almost daily, but a resounding theme is one of learning to be gentle with myself and others. Life is so complex, so nuanced, and so full of both pain and beauty. Each day we will be exposed to both pain and beauty. I am learning to see both. To honor both. To process, and validate both. In these insane times we are living in, I do think a conscious effort needs to be made to seek out and make room for joy.

I am also learning to listen. There is so much that people say with their stories and their words, and in this busy world where we all have a million places to be, it can be so easy to not be present. I am so guilty of being in a million places at once, but I’m really trying to just be here, and to savor what may seem mundane, or slow. Darryl is such a wonderful person for me to go through life with. He is so good at slowing down, and just being in the moment. I aspire to be more like him every day. 

Who are some of your biggest inspirations? 

I have so many people that inspire me daily. My mama remains my biggest inspiration. She chooses joy, always. She chooses kind, always. I look to her for advice in everything. My amazing siblings lift me up all the time. My baby niece reminds me constantly that I owe it to her and all the sweet innocent children who will someday inherit the responsibility of the choices that we made that we owe it to them to leave this world better than we found it. My husband is loving and rational, and uses humor to get through all the sticky parts of life. He also gives amazing advice. In early sobriety I made a point to absorb the writing of those who came before me in this sobriety journey. Holly Whitaker, author of Quit Like a Woman is an endless inspiration. Her empowered stance on sobriety, and insight on how the alcohol industry targets womxn is such a guiding light. Glennon Doyle has also been a huge inspiration for me. Her book Untamed is a MUST read for everyone, not just those on the path of sobriety. She recently did an Instagram live where she talks about the idea of “new year, new me”, and the pressure that we put on ourselves and our lives to look like the commercials that we see, perfect, and uncomplicated. But life is complicated! It’s messy, and awkward, and imperfect. Even people like Jennifer Anniston have accidentally answered “good, thanks”, to the question of “paper or plastic?” We all suffer through moments of shame and embarrassment. I recently saw a quote by Ann Voskamp that goes “shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces” and I love that. I think we all need to talk about those sticky and awkward moments that unite us all. Talk about pain, talk about shame, talk about sending the wrong email to your boss. Tell your story, I know I for one want to hear it! 

What do you do when you feel blue. What is your pick-me up.. I know for many it’s alcohol! 

In early sobriety, a lot of the resources I turned to spoke about building your sobriety toolbox. There will inevitably be uncomfortable moments of sadness or pain that trigger a fight or flight response. Your toolbox can help you quickly reach for something other than alcohol that brings joy or comfort. We all deserve to have little things on hand that just feel good. I think the idea of having a toolbox can extend to anyone, even those not seeking sobriety. In my toolbox I have the following on hand:    

• An array of delicious alcohol-free beverages (I love to make tasty mocktails). I have also made somewhat of a ritual out of finding decadent loose-leaf teas, and making myself a cup at night. My favorite is Vadham teas, or even just good old Chamomile. 
• Bubble bath and epsom salt for a long and soul-enriching bathtime. 
• Comfy, matching pajamas to slip into. 
• Snacks! 
• Endless funny videos of my niece to watch. 
• A good psychological thriller to read.
•  A good show to binge-watch queued up. 
• True crime podcasts and documentaries- a few of my favorite podcasts are Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard (not true crime but a great mix of so many cool guests, it has everything you want in a Podcast), Unlocking Us with Brene’ Brown, Seltzer Squad, and My Favorite Murder. 
• YouTube workout videos- hear me out… I know working out can seem like the last thing on earth we want to do when we are feeling down, BUT for me, once I just take the 15-30 minutes to just move my body, I feel like a new person, and I feel so proud that I did something good for my body. I love SarahBeth Yoga videos, and MadFit workout videos. Both are apartment and no-equipment friendly!
• A yummy takeout dinner- Sometimes at the end of a long day the last thing I want to do is cook and clean up the cooking. As part of my effort to be gentler with myself, I give myself permission to just order the dang takeout. Of course, I have to watch it with this, it can become all too easy to do often, but it is such a nice treat one night a week or so. 
• My cats– living with two tiny house panthers and knowing I have their soft fur to pet whenever the heck I want is so comforting. 
• Sobriety sisters to reach out to.
• Inspirational social media accounts to follow- here are a few of my favorites on Instagram: Alison Smith MFT, A Sober Girls Guide, Glennon Doyle, Holly Whitaker, Sober Girl Society, Dr. Norton Therapy, Terri Cole, Africa Brooke, Upworthy, The Holistic Psychologist, and of course Brandi Shigley, who is such a light (I am not just saying this, I get instantly happy when I hear Brandi’s voice, it’s so soothing!!).

These are just a handful of the things I make sure to always have on hand or be in close proximity to. They may sound super simple and even cliche’, but in sobriety, I have really tried to embrace and savor the sensation of things that make me feel good. These things are simple, but for me they are effective.

I’d encourage anyone to build their own toolbox of things to reach for when the going gets tough. We all deserve to have many little lifelines that lift us up when we need it. 

Anything else you want to share?

I hope anyone reading this takes this one thing away, and that is to be gentle with yourself. Even if you aren’t considering sobriety, or don’t feel it is a necessary step to take in your life, this message is for you too! I don’t judge anyone for the things they do to get through their day. If you are sober, sober-curious, or not sober, you always have a seat at my table. I want to hear your story too, so please, tell it, and tell it boldly and unapologetically! 

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